I Broke Up With My Therapist

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Yesterday, I broke up with my therapist.

Four years ago, I started therapy.
When I met her, she was full of empathy.
I believed that she would accompany me in all the moments of my life until infinity.

I thought,
I would never make it.
Not without help from experienced people
amazed by life.

It is as if the wounds were too deep.
As if the shackles have devastated my world.
In here, I thought chaos would rule,
Until forever and ever.

When suddenly, light appeared,
Such as an unknown goddess.
Slowly, she has tamed all my darkness,
without ever counting how many.

Because no matter the darkness,

Yesterday, I chose me.
To jump to the future,
In a moment of tenderness and desire.

Dying.

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Dying is often a feeling that I have had in mind.
Emptiness has often stood alongside me.
Devoid of meaning.
The universe seemed full of pain.

Today, I now trust the experience.
Because after all the breaks, there is the rest of a life.

Because with knowledge,
The consciousness,
And trust,
There's only time for rebirth.

Yesterday, I broke up with my therapist.

I said thank you.
Thanks for the envy,
Smiles, and magic.

Together we wrote poetry.
The story of my life.

I feel ready.

Ready to appear.
To face my imperfect soul,
To rebirth.

So see you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow to discover all the new mornings,
whether soft, dramatic, or uncertain.
Because today is also a tomorrow.
And because the next ones will become memories of my destiny.

I wrote this letter to my soul.
To all the broken pieces I never thought I could fix.
I write this letter to humanity using poetry to let invisible glimmers that glide in our souls appear. To all the anomalies, that while living, they fight to tame their fears. Those who fade away, those who pass away, and those who survive. - ANÖMALIE

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Dear me, dear you, dear us,

I would like to tell you a thousand and one thoughts. One of those that crossed me during my great epic. There are all the words in the world knocking on my fingers to share the sounds, images, and sensations that have surrounded me over the past 27 years.

But what I would like to say today is that one day the light will appear.

I grew up in a kind universe sprinkled with illusions. You could say I was lucky. And yet, even this chance was filled with suffering. I suffered from my difference. It’s not her who hurt me, it’s society. A world that has never wanted beings a little aside. All my childhood, I felt the melodies of life differently. Understanding, learning, and interacting have never made the same echoes in me as those expected. But even I didn’t know that. I thought it would pass. That one morning, I would wake up after time had passed without having to imitate.

It will pass.

23 years later, not even time has fixed me up. It never happened.
This morning still happened, only it wasn’t the one I thought. That morning, the words I needed to understand my interior fell from the sky. As if by magic. They came out of a young girl’s mouth. Not so young the girl, but for me, she had the face of an angel. The face of a friend. She’s the fairy who changed my whole life.

This morning was the first day of my destiny. The rest of a life spent pretending.
I thought for a moment that it would be the end of my judgment. That after that, there would only be one long spring.

It took me a few years to realize that the light had not yet arrived. She would arrive much later, right on time, when I was not expecting it for a second.

What these words allowed me to discover was a whole hidden universe. I learned that being different is not a bad thing.
I understood that they would make me the person I have always been. I am a woman of the moon, sun, and fire. I am nature, strength, and vitality. Power, softness, and fragility. I am small, tall, and important.

I am.

I am what my soul must become. The one she created, the one I would transform.
I follow the melodies spinning in my head. The words that come into my mind. Those who lie on paper like a tsunami.

I am the one who decides to make her life the most beautiful poetry.
But that, I would never have understood without having unearthed the secrets hidden between the lines of my biography. Evidence that only made sense with a piece of paper that was delivered to me a few years ago.

This paper told me something that I never even dared to think.

I am autistic. In my head, the cogs are different. In my world, things don’t work the same way. Knowledge erased all the inconsistencies but did not soften the suffering. From now on, I understood every nuance while redoing the thread of my existence.

And then lucidity invaded my thoughts for four years.

Days spent making my way to resilience, conquering my future and my past. These moments I went through them alongside another angel. This one, I went looking for it, but maybe it was also brought to me. I met her when I needed someone to recognize my difference. It’s true that, at first, I think I managed to fool her. I continued to use my perfect face. The one who protected me from the harshness of reality. The one who locked me in my invisibility by preventing me from showing him my authenticity. And then little by little, the masks fell.

Small fragments of simplicity have come to destroy my past fears.

She accompanied me.

She was able to pierce my deep nature and reach a part of my interiority. She helped me. Helped to save me.

With her, I learned that experience is the best reward. That spaces are always better when they are defined. That everyone has their own, and no one can take mine. I learned that freedom is something you give yourself. It is a shared gift that we can all touch. The idea of an illusory burden that gives access to a hidden door. Freedom comes when we let it carry us.

I found it the day I decided to give up. Giving up what I believed and what I would have liked. I found it the day I decided to do with what I have.

That was the day I knew I was ready because I saw the light shine through. Illuminate my world with all its stars to raise all the veils.

I know this day existed precisely because I don’t remember when this feeling started. That day, I realized that the light had always been there. I had locked her away in a corner of my thoughts. Buried at the bottom of the deepest hole of myself. Little by little, we tamed each other in secret. I did not find it large enough and beautiful enough to be within my reach. What changed everything was when I looked at her a little from the side. That day, I stared at her straight in the eye, as she had always been.

I found it so beautiful that my eyes still burn. I realized that I did with her what the world did with me, I did not accept her in her splendor and her eternity.

This is where I broke up with my therapist.

I said goodbye to that angel, but not forever. Because I know that the light, one day, will again be covered by thunderstorms. I know I would feel like I couldn’t find her again. I know life won’t always be bright. That sometimes she won’t be strong enough to pierce the shadows of my past.

But I also know that today I have all the keys. My angels gave them to me. I added them to those I had already found. For now, I just want to enjoy. Let the sun shine on me, and the wind carry me.
I am writing this letter to remind myself that the light existed.

So that the darkness does not erase the memories of my summer days.

I write this letter to all humans who feel invaded by darkness. Even if my story is not yours, your light also hides somewhere in your interiority. And know that she, too, needs to rest. May the clouds reveal her value and her will.

I am writing this letter to say that they make us who we are.

Forever and ever.

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S'il vous plaît, profitez de "I Broke Up With My Therapist" dans sa version originale en français.

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Hier, j’ai « rompu » avec ma psy.

Il y a quatre ans, j’ai commencé une thérapie.
Quand je l’ai rencontrée, elle, remplie d’empathie, j’ai cru qu’elle m’accompagnerait dans tous les moments de ma vie, jusqu’à l’infini.
J’ai pensé que moi, je ne m’en sortirai pas.
Pas sans l’aide de personnes averties, ébahies par la vie.
C’est comme si les blessures étaient trop profondes.
Comme si les entraves avaient saccagé tout mon monde.

Là-dedans, j’ai cru que le chaos règnerait, jusqu’à toujours ou à jamais.
Quand soudain, la lumière apparut, telle une déesse inconnue.
Lentement, elle a apprivoisé toutes mes ombres,
Sans jamais en compter le nombre.
Je m’en remets alors aujourd’hui à l’expérience.
Parce que peu importe la pénombre.

Hier, j’ai décidé de me choisir.
De sauter vers l’avenir, dans un élan de tendresse et de désir.
Mourir.
Mourir, c’est une envie qui m’a souvent habitée.
Le vide m’a longtemps côtoyé.
Vide de sens, l’univers m’a paru rempli de souffrances.
Je m’en remets alors aujourd’hui à l’expérience.
Puisqu’après toutes les brisures, il y a le reste d’une existence.
Puisqu’avec la connaissance, la conscience, et la confiance, il ne reste plus qu’un temps pour la renaissance.

Hier, j’ai « rompu » avec ma psy.
Je lui ai dit merci.
Merci pour l’envie, les sourires et la magie.
Ensemble, nous avons construit une poésie.
Écrit les vers de ma vie.
Je me sens prête.
Prête à apparaître.
À faire face à mon âme imparfaite, pour pouvoir renaître.

Alors à demain.
À demain pour découvrir tous les nouveaux matins, qu’ils soient doux, dramatiques ou incertains.
Parce qu’aujourd’hui est aussi un lendemain.
Et parce que les prochains deviendront les souvenirs de mon destin.

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